The following details the feedback on the poem by a local New Zealand writer who knows my work and the area.
From: Jared <jgulian@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, Mar 29, 2022 at 7:17 AM
Subject: Re: poem
To: michele usher <ushermichele69@gmail.com>
Hi Michele – I think it fits with your images except for a few bits, which I think might be a little offensive to the local community, and it’s not how you have depicted them. I might have this wrong, so feel free to dismiss me, but this is how it hit me.
The problematic bits to me are:
Outside the Shell
Man magnet, a different planet
Fishing thinking
Wishful drinking
Also, later the lines “loneliness gnaws, As Night draws”
The concerns I have are:
- You don’t concentrate on the men, but ‘man magnet’ seems to centre the men in the narrative.
- The line ‘fishful thinking’ is great but ‘wishful drinking’ implies a desperate, drunken community. That’s not what you showed.
- The line ‘Loneliness gnaws…” als seems to show a desperate and sad community. Again, you didn’t show that. At least I didn’t think you did.
What you showed was people who chose to live remotely. While their life is not easy, these are resilient, strong, industrious, hard-working women.
The poem seems to be written by an outsider to the community who is projecting a different narrative on Ngawi than the one you captured. That’s my impression anyway.
Perhaps those few underline lines can be changed? If they were changed, then the poem might work.
Also, you might want to get a view from a few people in Ngawi, just as ‘sensitivity readers’ to avoid offense. Just a thought.
Hope that helps.
Cheers,
Jared
Michele Usher 